Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Admin smashed it 😂

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

just make the entire table out of coaster

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.