Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!