So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis


The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t


People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…