So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Google Pay be like:
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST