Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Stranger:So,you’re a parent?
Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs
S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat
*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?