@3sunzzz

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

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@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@envydatropic

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

@ZackBornstein

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope

@KyleMcDowell86

*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

@sock_holliday

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

@abitofjoie

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?