So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Boating season is upon us.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked