So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
12653.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”