So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
⛄️
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My dress code is business-casualty.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers