So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
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Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Room with a view.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”