Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.