Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea