Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Lmao

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

You are what you delete.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

12653.