Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

due date

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist