“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
