“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
found this cool rock hiking today
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
a badder mouse
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Tuesday
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
