So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault