Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.