So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?