Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.