Don’t the networks have censors any more?
so jealous of cats wish i could angrily lick my stomach
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I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: you like my car?
Me: I could do this all day.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*