@PleaseBeGneiss
@WilliamAder
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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@WilliamAder
@DaddyJew
I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap
@Mi_SSbehaved
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
@iwearaonesie
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@CulturedRuffian
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
@ShortSleeveSuit
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
@tamytoo2
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me:I’m cute?
Cop: Nope
Me: you like my car?
Cop: Nope
Me: I could do this all day.
@HenpeckedHal
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
@anerdonfire2
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
@WorkingMom86
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*