so jealous of cats wish i could angrily lick my stomach

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“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?


I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap


My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.


wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea


Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.


My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”


Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.


My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*