So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
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According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret