So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Harsh but fair
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
early stone age tool
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.