Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.