Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon