Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

guys i’ve cracked the code

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.