So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
