So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
fr
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I need better friends
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
