So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.