Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.