So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that