Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

fair

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

12653.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.