So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When he asks for feet pics
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.