So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)