So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
