Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…