So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*