So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet