Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot