So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
