So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You Might Also Like
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Damn he played himself
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.