Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.