How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend