so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That