so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
You Might Also Like
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂