so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Lmao 🤣
😲 WTF? 😆
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A dad and his duck
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me