Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.