Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”