Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.