“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.
Freaks her husband out though.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?