so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My inexpensive home security system…
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?