@dril

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

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@ericsshadow

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@HatfieldAnne

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

@TheAlexNevil

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?