Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.