Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.