“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Birds & Planes.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.