So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Breaking news:
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
still the best tweet of the year by far
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs