Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Yup

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.