so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color