so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.