so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.