so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer