So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Dead sexy!!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
