So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
going to the ER y’all need anything
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Has there ever been a more American story?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”