Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”