So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.