So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You Might Also Like
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Proctologist = Analyst
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean