So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Tough love is true love
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
And then there were 4
