So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
