So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
