So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My patience has stretch marks.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
