Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

dude it’s called proctologist