So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.