So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.