Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.