So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more