So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The Punning Dead.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
back to work
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error