Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I want what they have

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Natural selection at its finest

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

This story is comedy gold 😂

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around