So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.