So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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Hot Panini is in big trouble
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My therapist after every session
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room